I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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