i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
