I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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