I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
