LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
