today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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