happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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