mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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