no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
