i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
