I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
