Just fell off a train. Bad.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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