dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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