mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Randomize
