Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
