seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
