How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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