I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
