I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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