It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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