be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
