Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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