I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
