I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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