i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
