Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
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I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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