I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
