I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
