dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
