listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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