a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my being single is dangerous.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just pee around me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
