omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Actions speak louder than pants.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
