So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
