It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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