He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
