you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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