How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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