My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
