i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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