only you would photoshop your dick
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think people are normalizing furries
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
