Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
