My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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