Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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