She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
someone get that fucking seahorse.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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