I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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