The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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