i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
