I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
