I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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