dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
