Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
