meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
