you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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