You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize