if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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