K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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