I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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